Quitting Coffee

It's been a weird season. Not any personal tragedies and actually there has been a lot of really great trips and experiences over these last few months of summer, but now that it is the end of August I can look back and say, “Huh...that was a weird season.” I won't go back too far. A big part of this weirdness has to do with the fact that I have felt compelled, convicted and called to quit coffee. And it may be caffeine too, maybe sugar... I don't know. Let's just start with the coffee. It's been years of this tug, maybe decades if I was able to see it earlier. It could be that the anxiety I began to experience around 12 years old had something to do with the Vanilla Nescafe that I started drinking out of that rectangle tin can around the same time. And well, that was probably also related to the insomnia that had its hooks in me until the good Lord healed me at 36. Yes, you did the math correctly, 24 years of insomnia. Side note, sleep deprivation as a new mom was an old shoe for me, so, ya know, that's... good.

Anyway, that still small Voice, the One that is so gentle and kind, He's been nudging me for a long time. BUT COFFEE GUYS! I am 100% NOT here to tell you to stop drinking coffee. My family has a thick history of heart issues and I have dealt with anxiety for as long as I can remember (which isn't that far back, which I am thinking is probably also related to the sleep deprivation).

But I am not here to play you my tiny violin. I am here to tell a story that has a point and it glorifies God, which is why we are all here, yea? About half way through summer the food sensitivities that my girls and I have been dealing with turned an ugly corner and things that I thought were good-to-go sent my kid into a food-poisoning-like response...while tent camping. This, for the record, is the opposite of awesome. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that I did not sleep at all that night. It took another trip a few weeks later to determine the culprit after repeated results. Then one more for good measure with a different trigger which ended with me walking through the Best Western at midnight toting a recycle bucket full of puke. 'Cause who wants to call room service in the middle of the night and say, “Hi, yea, my kid is puking up here, can you come and pick up her bucket of vomit...?” So I made the decision to go for a walk and find an outdoor receptable to deposit said slop into while awkwardly interrupting the guy that was calling his wife as I blooped the nasty bag through the side hole of one of those skinny, shiny trashcans that they have in hotels. Got that image? Good.

So no sleep. Again. Actually, I hadn't really been sleeping through the night ever since that first camping trip. So I did what any logical person would do and I searched scripture to justify my continued coffee drinking with verses, “grace” and intellect. “Thanks, Lord!” I sort of winked and offered a metaphorical thumbs up and cheese ball grin. I got what I wanted.

Then we were watching a movie one night and my heart did like a uh, theatrical pounding on the door, like when the SWAT team knocks. I knew. I knew then that I had trusted in my own understanding and tried to justify something that the Lord was kindly and gently telling me was no longer beneficial or even permissive for me.

“Okay, Lord.” I huffed.

So, over the course of the next couple days, I climbed up and put coffee on the altar before the Lord. “Here you go, Lord. It's Yours.” I then skulked away like an apologetic kid still painfully aware of how wrong it was to justify sin with scripture. “Sorry, Lord.” I knew better. I kicked some dirt and hung my head, knowing what I needed to do.

Guys, I really, really like coffee. Like, I actually like it. Black. Hot. I love how it tastes, the ceremony around it and how it makes me feel. And I LOVE pounding a cup of coffee and then knocking out a kick-butt work out. But before you today, I want the whole world to know... I love Jesus more. And even though it took a while to get it through my thick skull, my heart is to obey and love the Lord above all else. Yes, even coffee.

We all giggle over how we “run” on coffee or java is the only reason that we got out of bed, but it begs the question, “If I am getting through the day on coffee, then how will others see me trusting in the Lord?” Short answer, they don't. They won’t. They’ll see me doing it all in my own flesh. And I was pretty darn good at that for a long time. Now, maybe because I'm older and health complications seem so much more real and possible after you turn forty, or maybe because my kids are older and I'm seeing their long term futures more readily, but I've come to see that it's just not worth it. Not only that, but when I rely on anything other than God, then I miss out on getting to experience His exciting, miraculous provisions; His filling.

So I quit. Probably for the 27th time. But for real this time. No seriously guys. For real, for real.

Ugh, I don't even want to tell anyone because I struggle to believe my own resolve. Lord, it is up to You. Help me to want to obey You. Wince. Put it in my heart to desire You above all else.

Great okay, quit coffee. That's gotta help with my sleep problems!

Commence 4 solid weeks of extreme sleep disruptions.

Oh how that dark elixir sparkled in the cup... 'cause you know that my husband wasn't quitting. That Mr. Coffee would gurgle and sputter and steam and the bright blue light (referred to as the Blue Devil in our house) would blink and twinkle at me in the wee morning hours.

“No! NO. I quit.” Did the coffee just “bwah-ha-ha” at me?!

I kept thinking, “tonight, this will be the night that I actually sleep.” By the way, my Garmin watch pretty much indicated that I was near dead based on my “stress” and “body battery” levels. Then one groggy day as I slogged through my Bible study, I had a thought. “What if this was a testing period?” Physiology and caffeine withdrawals aside, looking at it from a purely spiritual viewpoint, this, I believe was my testing period. “Okay, Chelsea. You are giving up coffee? Good. But what happens when you get tired? What happens when you get really, really tired?” Uuuuuugggggghhhhhh...insert Garlfield comic here, ya know where he is on-his-face-tired and crawling toward the coffee pot.

3 or 4 weeks of this and then one day I awoke with “ting!” and thought, “I think I actually slept!” I have only had a few of these nights and I am still figuring it out, but I truly believe that God gave me this difficult season of fatigue to confirm my decision to obey Him, to strengthen my resolve and to show me that He does truly sustain and strengthen us. Spoiler alert: I did not die. Through that season of sleeplessness I failed to get up at my usual, disciplined 4:45 am. Let’s be honest, I didn’t even try to. I was sleeping in, or at least laying in bed until I couldn't lay in bed anymore. I would still get up and read my Bible, but it wasn't the same. God is still good and He still speaks in His grace and faithfulness, but it's not the same when everyone is up and chattering and the chores start to call and the laundry buzzes.

So yesterday, I did it. I got up with my husband at O' dark thirty and did my early morning study in the still quiet of the dawn and it was uh-mazing! Not necessarily any great revelations, but just peace. Peace and calm. Comfort and relationship. Rest and familiarity with the One I love. Guys, it charged me up. I was so pumped after being filled with God's Word and His love! I ran intervals on the treadmill and even found a new favorite workout song (Christian, Spanish, Rap, Worship...so good.)!

This is how I want to start my days with the God Who Provides, the God Who Sustains. He is good, so, so good. And He drives me forward into the day in a way that coffee never could.

Do you have to quit coffee? No. Maybe. I don't know. But just make sure that you are listening and obeying what He has called you to. You know what it is. It's that thing that just keeps lingering in your mind, coming back like a fly buzzing your head. He put it there for a reason. It is part of your purpose; what you are supposed to do, or not do. Don't be like me and take years to comply with a calling that is custom designed to bless you.

Obey Him and put Christ first. Know that He will sustain you. Know that apart from Him we can do nothing (John 15:5), but through Christ, in His will, there is NOTHING we can't do (Phil 4:13).